


A Never Ending Cycle

by KillianJones32



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Episode 1x04 Coda, M/M, Philip Shea needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 18:09:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8499988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KillianJones32/pseuds/KillianJones32
Summary: Fuck, Philip doesn’t even know why he agreed to this in the first place.
Philip swallows, no that’s not true, he does know why.
He’s doing this because even though he knows how wrong this is, even though he’s aware that he deserves better than a closeted cheating asshole, he’s still willing to do anything just so he can spend some time with Lukas, laughing with him, drinking with him, kissing him, whatever.





	

...

Philip isn’t sure how long he is supposed to stay here.

He keeps his eyes trained on his phone, making sure he gets as much footage as he can, making sure that it’s obvious what the two lovers are doing without…exposing too much.

Fuck, Philip doesn’t even know why he agreed to this in the first place.

Philip swallows, no that’s not true, he does know why.

He’s doing this because even though he knows how wrong this is, even though he’s aware that he deserves better than a closeted cheating asshole, he’s still willing to do anything just so he can spend some time with Lukas, laughing with him, drinking with him, kissing him, whatever.

Philip can hear Rose’s murmuring complaints and for once he’s grateful that his phone is so rubbish that it can’t pick up volume well because if their peers heard that Lukas couldn’t even get it up then that would probably just further the gay rumours that Lukas was so determined to keep hidden.

Philip watches on his screen as Lukas tilts his head back, he can see Lukas watching him, can practically feel his eyes boring into him and for a split second, Philip tries to remain strong, he tries his hardest not to look up.

But then his resolve falls, he looks up and then his eyes meet Lukas’s.

Philip can feel his stomach twist painfully, this is wrong, this is so, so wrong.

Without a second thought, Philip stops the video and walks away.

He hears the crunch and crack of the leaves beneath his feet and part of him doesn’t even care if Rose can hear them.

Philip cringes as he remembers the innocent person in all of this, Rose.

Philip doesn’t even know her but he hardly thinks she deserves this.

Sure she’s probably a bit naive; she can’t see that her boyfriend is gay as hell but that doesn’t mean she should be humiliated like this.

Unconsciously, Philip’s feet start walking faster and faster until he breaks out into a run.

The wind rushes past his ears and he has no idea where he’s going or how to get back to Helen and Gabe’s but he doesn’t care.

He just wants to get as far away from where Lukas and Rose are having sex on that wretched, rotting bench as he can.

He runs until his chest hurts, until his knees start to feel like jelly and the throbbing pain in his head matches the twisting ache in his stomach.

Philip collapses against a nearby tree, panting heavily; he throws his head back harshly against the bark and squeezes his eyes shut.

What he really wants to do now is to call his mom.

He wants to talk to her, hear how she’s doing but he’s not so sure he can hear the quiet lies coming out of her mouth right now.

Because as much as he wants to believe that she’s getting better, they’ve been in this situation a hundred times before. It’s just a never ending cycle of pain and lies.

Just like it is with Lukas.

Lukas, the boy with the blonde hair and the pretty blue eyes that shine silver in the dark.

Lukas, the boy who is so far back in the closet that he’s passed Narnia by a few hundred miles.

Lukas, the boy who makes Philip feel that pain in his chest that Gabe told him about. That delightful pain that means you’re in love.

But right now it’s not just his chest that hurts, it’s his entire body. All of it aches and it’s only getting worse because he can’t stop picturing the sight of Lukas lying half dressed, flat on his back with Rose on top of him.

Philip opens his eyes and tries to concentrate on solid things around him, like the social workers used to teach him to do when he was a child.

He focuses on the trees, the dark green leaves that haven’t quite changed colour yet; looking up at the sky, he spots a flock of birds happily fly towards the beaming sun.

The sound of screeching tires emits from his left and when Philip finally finds the strength to stand and move, he discovers that he’s right beside a familiar road.

Philip sticks his hands in his pockets and starts walking, wishing that he’d gone home first and cycled here so he didn’t have to walk all the way back to the house that he’s starting to call home.

The air helps to clear his head though, to distract himself with other thoughts.

He thinks about Helen and Gabe and how he never realised how nervous he was of coming out to them until after he did it. He thinks about Helen and how she knows that something’s up with him, how he desperately wants to tell her the truth about what happened that night in the cabin but he knows he can’t.

Because Lukas would never forgive him.

He thinks about going out on the water with Gabe, he judges how his history test went and he wonders what beautiful images he can capture with his camera in this small town that aren’t Lukas.

It takes him an hour to find his way home and he’s grateful that Helen and Gabe aren’t there when he arrives because when he sees his reflection in the mirror, he realises that he must have been crying because his eyes are rimmed with red.

Philip sighs and decides to have a shower to try and rid himself of the memory of today, to try and wash away the memories of the past few weeks. 

He turns the water on and just as he grabs a towel from the cupboard, his phone beeps.

The message is from Lukas and even though Philip knows whatever it says can’t be good, curiosity gets the better of him and he opens the message anyway. However once he reads it, he wishes that he hadn’t.

“8pm, the place we discussed. Most of the year will be there. You can do it then.”

Philip clenches his jaw, throws his phone haphazardly onto the windowsill and steps into the shower.

He stands there for what could be hours, simply letting the water rain down on him until he can no longer tell the difference between the water droplets falling from the showerhead and the tears falling from his eyes.

...

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> [x](http://jamesxlilyxpotter.tumblr.com)


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